Bill and I have become so assimilated into Scandinavian culture that we have decided to change our names.  He has become Boris and I am now Natasha.

Today we have been in Helsinborg, Sweden.  This is not a very exciting port.  Additionally it was National Flag Day so most of the town was shut down.  We decided to do an excursion so we could at least see some of Sweden.  It was a half-day coastal drive with the most boring guide in the land, Helka.  She discussed the origins of potatoes, the Potato Academy, and how many herring are in the straight.  This was boring the first time but absolutely mind numbing the second time.  She frequently had word finding difficulties.  I wanted to scream out the word she was looking for but she finally came up with it.  For example, she would say, “How do you say dat?” and I wanted to scream the word “fence” which was the word she was looking for.  I noticed a little hammer near the glass of the bus that said, “Break glass in case of an emergency.”  Since I gradually felt myself losing control I was going to bust out the glass and jump from the cliff.

Our midpoint of this fabulous excursion for which we paid $89 a piece was to get out of the bus at Kullaberg peninsula.  We had only fifteen minutes so after going to the bathroom that left me five minutes.  I saw a hill with rocks and decided to do a little rock climbing in Sweden for the remainder of my valuable time.  Needless to say, I was the last one on the bus.  They turn off the air in the bus until it starts up.  A stodgy old Brit told me I better get on the bus that it was “roasting” in there.  I thought about using that glass-breaking hammer on her.

It is tradition in Sweden to have tea and cookies at 10:00 and 2:00.  I may start that tradition in the states.  It is called a “feka.”  For some reason I found the word hilarious and told Boris that we were having a feka matter.  He gave me one of his “shut up, Natasha” looks which made me giggle more.  So when I am at work, I will be stopping twice a day for my feka.

I have heard that the Swedes are some of the happiest people on earth.  I guess so, they are full of tea and cookies.  They have a 99% literacy rate (!) and some of the best schools in the world.  Here is the downside, they pay 60% in income taxes with heavy taxes on food and liquor.  Sweden’s religion is Lutheran and when you are born you automatically become a member of the church.  You are required to pay 2 ½% of your income to the church.  Helka discussed the influx of immigrants from Iraq and Iran who were seeking asylum in Sweden.  I’ll bet they aren’t happy about that tax.

The one redeeming feature of this excursion was a stop to a bakery in the countryside.  They set up tables in the garden near a thatched house.  The weather was beautiful and the cookies were delicious.  The owner said they were mostly made of butter.  Paula Deen must get their recipes.   Before the bus driver could start the bus, he had to take a Breathalyzer test which is required each time a bus driver goes somewhere.  Helka said that alcoholism is very problematic and this is one way to address the issue.  She frequently stated that the government was overly intrusive in the people’s lives.  High taxes are placed on liquor.  Helisingborg is across the water from Denmark so they frequently go there to buy their food and liquor.

One thing about a cruise is that you will at some point be faced with “cruise junkies.”  They can’t wait to tell you about everywhere they have been.  I hate sitting with them at dinner.  Boris and I requested a table for two in order to avoid this.  None were available so we were assigned to sit at a table for eight.  Only six of us show up each night so that left two empty places.  Fine by me.  Again, I was wrong in thinking I didn’t want to sup with anybody but Boris.  One couple is from Houston.  He is a chemical engineer and she is a retired teacher.  He is a member of the “Century Club” which means he has been to more than 100 countries.  Actually he has been to 126 and we have so far heard about 75 of them.  Susan and Michael, the other couple, are from England.  They are in the 70’s and are absolutely charming.  I told her I wanted to put her in my bag and take her home but we have a 50 pound weight limit on our bags and I am already up to 50.5 pounds.  I have put their picture up on the blog.

Well, tonight the unthinkable happened.  The other couple showed up after the 6 of us have bonded.  They are from Russia originally but now live in New York City.  Vladimir talks constantly and I can only understand about every 10th  word.  He also flails his hands during his one sided conversations.  I had to sit by him and I just knew he was going to give me a black eye.  He is probably an interesting guy but you have to strain to understand him and after he says something he stares at you until you give some type of response.  I was absolutely worn out by the end of dinner.  Vladimir, having lived in a Communist country for 40 years, is very proud to be an American.  He said he has traveled all around the world and the US is by far the best.  That made me pause and regain some of my pride in our country.  He enjoyed political conversation with himself and made the statement, “I did not come to America to become a Democrat.  I want to be free from the government.”  Pretty profound.

At the moment I am still fighting off my Vladimir-induced headache.  We are going to get up at about 6:00 in the morning because we will be going through the fjords and I don’t want to miss a thing.  I am going to wrap up in a blanket, sit on my balcony, and be grateful for this experience.

Signing off,
Natasha